Narcissism
In the Following We Will Discuss Key Concepts to be Aware of When Begin Exposed to a Narcissist
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is much more common than what one would immediately think. It is a demographic that is difficult to identify the prevalence of, due to them rarely seeking out a diagnosis on their own accord. Furthermore, it is a phenomenom that has been most widely studies in the United States (where it is assessed that between 0.5-5% of the population have NPD), and therefore it is challenging to ascertain what the prevalence is in various regions of the world. Although we do not currently know what the prevalence of NPD is in the UAE, it is important to be aware of how to identify a person with NPD, or a person that possess some of the NPD traits. The ladder is a person who does not meet all the diagnostic criteria for NPD, but still posseses some of these traits and utilises similar strategies to a person with NPD, and therefore should be treated with caution.
This article will contain five segments:
1. Why are Narcissistic Personalities Dangerous?
2. What types of people are typically targeted by people Narcissistic individuals?
3. Strategies Commonly Used by a Narcissist
4. The Aftermath: How to recover from the trauma that the narcissistic person has put you through?
5. Should we have empathy for the Narcissist
1: Why are Narcissistic Personalities Dangerous?
People with NPD, or traits of the same, are not inherently dangerous, nor do they necessarily have the desire to hurt someone. However, they are highly ego-driven, and they do not shy away from taking advantage of other people, if they see that there may be some level of personal benefit in doing so. For example, lying about other people in order to make themselves look better, throw other people under the bus for their own wrongdoings, or manipulate people so that they can control a situation and have their wants and needs take precedence over others'.
Common strategies employed by narcissists.
Being aware of what types of strategies are used by a narcissist will allow you to easily spot these people upon encounter, and help you to understand how to best navigate interactions with these. "
Name it to tame it" really rings true here, as having a framework for understanding the behaviour of the narcissist, will make it much easier to respond appropriately. This is in opposition to being confused about why a person is acting the way they do, and whether to treat them as a typical person, or draw from a secondary skillset, which unfortunately often is needed when interacting with narcissists.
It is important to emphasize that this is not a diagnostic tool, and if you see a person using one or several of these strategies, it does not necessarily mean that this person is a narcissist. However, the more of these strategies that the individual is using, the higher the likelihood that he/she has this diagnosis. Even if the person does not meet criteria for NPD, the fact that they are using these strategies should make you wary of how you interact with him/her.
2: What types of people are typically targeted by narcissistic individuals?
The advantage that the narcissist has is that he/she is not limited by the empathy and consciousness that we would expect from the people that we typically interact with. This means that lying, deceiving, and engaging in other activities that abuses a person's trust and empathy is not outside the boundaries of a narcissist. While a high level of trust and empathy are usually considered favorable qualities in a human being, and while that is the basis of creating close and loving relationships, unfortunately these qualities can also be considered a 'weakness' when encountering a person who is willing to exploit such qualities. As such, a person low in trust and empathy (such as the narcissist him/herself), while finding it hard to establish close and loving relations, will be safe from such exploits. On the other hand, the empathetic, trusting, caring, wholesome person who always wants the best for other people is unfortunately the type of person who is the most vulnerable to the strategies used by narcissists to obtain their goals. Therefore, the people that fall in the category of highly empathetic, trusting, loyal and trusting, are also the people who needs to build the most awareness of who they offer that empathy and trust to. When exhibited towards like-minded individuals, it can build the most beautiful foundation for friendships and relationships. However, when exhibited towards a narcissist, it can be seen as a weakness to easily be exploited, just like a thief exploits a a weakness in a security system to steal from a building.
Targeting individuals with reduced socials support systems
Many of the defensive mechanisms that would often be recommended when encountering narcissists are related to activating the victim's social support system in the form of close colleagues, friends and family. Therefore, narcissists will often target individuals where these resources are limited, as the narcissist knows that such an individual will be more prone to develop dependency on the narcissist. It should also be considered that a person with a reduced social support system often will be seeking affirmation and connection with new encounters, as this for many is a basic need. Therefore, a person in this situation will be less 'picky' with who they let into their lives, and therefore is more inclined to ignore potential early red flags.
Due to this, a person with a reduced social support system should be more adept at boundary setting in order to compensate. Boundary setting strategies will be discussed in the below.
3: Strategies Commonly Used by a Narcissist
The strategies used by narcissistic individuals are as follows:
Gaslighting
The action of gaslighting is simply to make a person doubt themselves by sowing seeds of doubt into their thinking proces. For example, saying that a person said is incorrect, that the person is making things up, that the person is over exaggerating and more. These comments serve to make the person doubt themselves, feel inferior, and be scared of confrontation with the narcissist in the future, which will make it easier for the narcissist to get away with further manipulation without oppossition.
1.2. What to do if you are exposed to gaslighting:
As with all situations with a narcissist, the option to stay away and not interact should always be present. However, if circumstances makes this impossible, the following is recommended:
a) Document everything:
Communicate in writing as much as possible, and if legally possible, record all verbal communication. Do not inform the narcissist that you have this material if this is legal, but whenever the narcissist attempts to gaslight, bring this to a close friend, or a superior if in the workplace, and explain what the narcissist is accusing you off, and the actual background of the conversation. If the gaslighting is done in miniscule portions (also known as microagressions, which we will cover later on), it is better to accumulate many instances of these and present them as a collection, so a malicious pattern can be clearly outlined. Having the confirmation from others in your social support system that the behaviours of the narcissist are unacceptable will allow you to feel that you are doing the right thing, and have social backing for the same. While this may seem like a basic thing and while people may say that "you should just be confident in yourself", they forget that narcissists are experts at making individuals second guess themselves, which is why this basic strategy is so important.
b) Have witnesses:
Do not have one-on-one discussions with a narcissist. They are experts at gaslighting, and regular people are not experts at deciphering and confronting gaslighting, as we instead are experts in being truthful and genuine and value the same. When having verbal conversations with a narcissist, have a third person in the room, so that the narcissist will behave, and so that any future attempts at gaslighting can be rectified by asking the third person to confirm what was actually said in a given conversation. The narcissist may at times attempt to Triangulate you by bringing in a third person to the conversation that is loyal to the narcissist. Do NOT allow this happen, and demand that a neutral person, or someone loyal to you, is also present in the room. Otherwise the narcissist will use that person as to create a social discouse of you being in the wrong, and may even use that person to help them spread rumors that appear to have more social validity to them, as two people heard it.
c) Seek the perspective of friends and family:
Share your experiences and data points with a close friend or a loved one, and gain their perspective on the situation. "When surrounded by fools, the genious will be labeled an idiot" comes to mind for a situation like this. What I mean by this is that; if you are in an environment where the narcissist has managed to turn people against you, while you may be the person with the correct perspective, you can still be labeled and cast out. Therefore, in order to keep your sanity and ability to remain calm and keep your head high, it is important that you share your experiences with level-headed people, who can help you verify that what you are experiencing is indeed gaslighting and unjust. It can be hard to trust yourself, if you are standing completely alone in such a situation, which is the exact goal of the narcissist.Flipping the Script
This most certainly is part of gaslighting, but it is a specific variant of this. "Flipping the script" usually happens during a conversation where the non-narcissistic part (let's call this individual Person "A") is trying to "put the facts on the table and talk things out". In these situations, especially when faced with facts that a conflict is indeed caused by the narcissist, the narcissist will often resort to blaming the counterpart for exactly what they themselves are guilty of. For example, if they are accused of always raising their voice, always talking bad behind other people's back, microaggressing etc., they will then accuse A of doing this to themselves, and defending themselves by saying things such as: "I had to do this to defend myself", "I was scared of you because you were so aggressive, that's why I raised my voice". They do this to create confusion, and to make the person that they're talking to doubt themselves. Now, the reason that this is working is because they are experts at sniffing out if people are empathetic by nature, and abuse this personality trait in other people to their advantage. For a person high in empathy, it feels terrible to be accused of committing actions such as the above-mentioned. Therefore, the guilt will overshadow their own pain and thereby taking away the negative attention from the narcissist.
We will talk more about this in the segment about victimization, but let's first look at how to deal with when the narcissistic is attempting to flip the script.
2.1. How to deal with "Flipping the Script"
a) Specificity:
With this particular type of gaslighting, the narcissist aims to utilise your empathy as a means to deflect the accusation made unto themselves. Therefore, first of all, you need to be aware that the goal of the accusation made unto you is not to tell the truth, because these accusations usually are not true. This will allow you take such accusations against you less seriously, which will then in turn make you less flustered and allow you to keep calm and focus on the wrongdoing of the narcissist, which they do not want. Furthermore, you should ask for specific examples of when you have done what you are accused of, and similarly give specific examples of when the narcissist has done towards you what you accuse them of. This will make it clear to everyone listening that the narcissist is not telling the truth, and that you in fact are.
b) Save your empathy for people who can give it back:
Since the narcissist is using your empathy against you, you have to be able to put your empathy aside for a brief moment and accept that while you want this person to be happy while you are also happy, this is not a goal easily obtainable. The reason for this is that if you have been chosen as a target by the narcisisst, they have a purpose with putting you down. Maybe they like the control that it gives them when you are in a defensive and scared position, maybe they are striving for your position in the company, or maybe they are trying to disrupt a project that you are a part of, by targeting your mental health, which in-directly can affect the project. The reasons can be manyfold, but regardless of the reason, the narcissist will usually not be happy if you are happy. Therefore, you cannot feel guilty when the narcissist is victimizing themselves, as they will be quite happy to do so for as long as it takes them, if it makes you bow down to them.Playing the Victim and Magnification and Minimisation:
As mentioned in the above, the narcissist will often play the victim as this allows them to unscrupuluously abuse the empathy of the other person, and anyone who listens in on such a conversation. One of the ways that they will do so is by minimising their own actions, either by downplaying the severety or frequency of these, or simply by justifying them. On the other hand, they will exaggerate the minor actions of the victim, for example by expressing how the victim complaining about them is causing him sleepless nights, how it's giving them anxiety and stress, and how everybody now perceives them in an unfair light. Bear in mind, these examples are taken from situations where the narcissist was slandering their colleague for months, had tried to have their victim fired, and microaggressed against the victim for an equal amount of time
3a. Dealing with Victimization and Magnification and Minimisation
As have been mentioned earlier in this article, documenting interactions and being specific in interactions with the narcissist will be some of the most valuable tools in order to identify the narcissist as untruthful. Momentarily shutting down one's empathetic circuits will also be important in order to overcome these tactics.Microaggressions:
Microaggressions are subtle aggressions that can easily be mistaken for beneign actions, but in reality are intended to be malicious. For example, ignoring you when you speak to them, forgetting your name, buying cake for everyone in the office but you, missing appointments with you, and talking over you. ALL of these can easily be "excused" and apologised for, but if these are coming in a consistent pattern, the person may either be oblivious to proper social etiquette, in which case they can be excused, or they are actively trying to microaggress against you.
It can be very hurtful to be microaggressed against, especially because the narcissist will insist that they are not doing any of these on purpose, but in subtle and well thought out ways they will continue to make you feel uncomfortable and 'less than'. It is important to note that many small aggressions equal that of one big aggression, and that it is highly unacceptable for you to be treated in this way, even if it can be hard to prove.
4a. How to deal with Microaggressions:
This is by and far and amalgamation of the counterstrategies that has been mentioned before. Jot down incidents, ensure that you have a witness to conversations with the narcissist, and accumulate evidence. The strength of microaggressions for the narcissist is that they are subtle and hard to prove. However, if you accumulate evidence and are able to present the frequency and distastefulness of the occurences to a friend, colleague, or superior, it will be easier for this person to understand what you are going through. Do not attempt to negotiate or reason with the narcissist. They do not operate by conventional logic, as their logic is based on whatever suits their objective.Charm:
While narcissist may not feel emotions in the same way that a typical person does, they are able to learn how their words and actions make other people confused, sad, happy, and even fall in love. These are valuable skills if the narcissist wants to ensnare people into a friendship or relationship where someone can be of benefit to them. As such, many who have been in relationships with narcissist report that they were charming, caring, attentive, and romantic beyond anything that they had ever experienced before. In the initial phase of a relationship, the narcissist will utilise "Love Bombing", where they will go above and beyond for the person they are trying to win over, send them sweet messages every day, or multiple times a day, gift the person frequently, make grand promises about what they will do for this person etc. However, as soon as they have won over the loyalty of a person, they can change character, their love bombing will subsice, and their promises will rarely come to fruition.
5a. How to resist the Charm and Love Bombing?
a) Awareness:
The first step of this is simply to be aware that what you are experiencing is not a true representation of the narcissists emotions, and that they are exaggerated in order to ensnare you.
b) Look Out For Small Signs: The narcissist will have a difficult time hiding their true nature for extended periods of time. While the narcissist likely will be able to keep a "mask" on for the majority of the time, there will be small outbursts of of emotions over seemingly small things. This will usually show itself in times when the narcissist is under stress, and is unable to manage dealing with the stress and keeping up the facade at the same time. After an outburst such as this, the narcissist will apologise profusely and bring up excuses and promises about it never happening again. But it will.
c) How the Narcissist Talks About Other People: There may also be ways that the narcissist is talking about other people and how unempathetic the narcissist can come across in these interactions that can tip you off that something is not quite right. For example, if he brags about having gotten a previous colleagues fired by making up lies about him or something to that affect.
d) When In Doubt, Check the History: Narcissists generally have good people skills, and are often able to easily blend into a new social situation. Where the narcissists struggles is with long lasting relations due to their selfish nature, and they will therefore often leave a wake of conflicts behind them. If you have any concerns related to this person, ask them questions about their history and note if there is a consistent pattern of conflict or difficulty getting along with people long term. They may be able to sugarcoat their past, as they generally do not shy away from lying: therefore, if possible, ask people who have known this person for a while about previous relatinships, friendships etc. If there is no one who you can ask, because this person is not close with anyone, or nobody has known this person for an extended period of time, that in itself could be a red flag.Dependency:
There are a number of examples of narcissists getting into relationships and taking over the power balance in the relationship by making the partner dependent on the narcissists income, moving to a place where the partner has a limited social support system, and cutting them off of contact with friends and family. These cases are extreme, but unfortunately do occur. The advantage for the NP in this situation is that he will be able to fully control the mind of the partner more than anything. Controlling a persons interactions and activities will allow the NP to control the flow of information to this person, and the NP will therefore be able to manipulate the partner at he likes. This is obviously an incredibly dangerous situation to be in, and should be sought resolved as soon as possible. How to get out of such a situation is beyond the scope of this article, but activation of social support system is essential when possible.
6.2. Dealing with dependency on the NP:
If things have already gotten to this point, the solution is very simply. You have to become independent on the narcissist. However, as simple as the goal is, getting there requires a lot of effort. This is especially the case if one has built a life with a narcissist, and maybe even created a family together.
Hopefully you will not experience any of the above, but if you do, at least now you are aware of what to look for, and have received some pointers on how to deal with such situations. It's important to note that it always is recommendable to see a mental health professional who can help guide you through these situations rather than you carrying that burden alone. Dealing with a person with narcissistic traits is challenging, especially if you are a kind and empathetic person.
4: The Aftermath. How to recover from the trauma the narcissistic person has put you through
The closer the narcissist has been to you, the greater the interactions with this person will have impacted you. Therefore, especially for individuals who have been in a relationship with a narcissist will need time to recover and regain normalcy in a number of areas. After coming out of a toxic relationship with a narcissist, the most common lingering symptoms are:
1. Distrust: It is only natural that once you have been in a situation where your trust was abused and used against you, that you will be scared of trusting again. Therefore, the difficulty trusting people again is purely a defense mechanism, and should be appreciated for being one such. However, as detrimental as it is to trust the wrong person, it is also detrimental to not trust trustworthy people as it limits our opportunities for creating new and healing relationship and to further develop our social support system.
2. Fear of doing wrong/anxiety:
As narcissists tends to use systematic criticism as a way to break down the confidence of their victim, it is not surprising that such a victim will be very sensitive to criticism as well as possibly have developed anxiety related to making mistakes. If this is the case, we would most likely also be seeing reduced self-esteem, which brings us to the next point.
3. Low self/esteem:
As mentioned earlier, a narcissist will often use breaking down the self-esteem of their victim as a tool to enhance their control over them. If most of your self-image has been based on what a narcissist has told you, it is unlikely that you view yourself in a positive light. It is often more likely that victims subconsciously have exaggerated self-defeating thoughts or images that needs to be corrected before the victim can feel happy with themselves again.
4. Lack of sense of boundaries:
Narcissists will over time make their victims feel that they do not have the right to uphold personal boundaries. It will be necessary to rebuild those boundaries and allow yourself to implement them.
5. Social support system:
The narcissist will often attempt to limit the victims engagement with their social support system, which at times results in this system being reduced. It is important to allocate resources to rebuild this support system in order to have people to support you in processing the trauma that you've been through.
It is recommended for victims of narcissists to work with a mental health professional in order to overcome the "aftermath".
If you wish you read more about the prevalence of NPD in the US, you can read: Mitra P, Fluyau D. Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In: StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing, Treasure Island (FL); 2022. PMID: 32310461
Unfortunately not all Narcissists are as honest as this one, but it's a chomical depiction of what actually happens in the mind of a narcissist, minus the honesty.
